I haven't posted anything to the blog, 'cause I haven't been thinking of much lately. Tory got into trouble with a neighbor, and I was pretty furious with her. She's a kid that doesn't respond to mild measures; you almost have to be at the point where you want to throttle her before she realizes "Oh, gee, maybe I shouldn't do that." A classic strong-willed child. So, anyhow, I stayed away from the blog while I was angry, because what I was thinking wasn't at all nice. She's an adorable, bright, charming, spunky little girl -- but if we don't win this battle of the wills now, things are going to get very bad as she gets older.
And getting angry doesn't do much for one's spiritual focus -- hard to be in a peace/tranquility/mystical sort of place when you've got a kid that's making you crazy. Makes the tears part of it easy, though! :-) I have to just ride the emotional storm, then reflect on it all when I'm calmer.
I treated myself to some gold earrings today -- probably an indulgence, but I justify it by telling myself that I need to build up a wardrobe for work. Really, I already dress up more than most teachers at most schools -- but those teachers already have jobs. Also, dressing up makes it easier to establish that instant authority you need when you're subbing. It's amazing how much of my meagre paycheck goes right back into things for work -- clothes, classes, gas etc. That's a killer, that I have to keep paying money for classes to keep a credential that isn't making me any money, and may never do so. Even a temporary or part-time job would make so much difference for us. I could have made what I'm making now without going back to school. Now I've got the debt and expenses, but none of the pay-off. The teacher training was useful, though, even for just subbing. But it's frustrating, and I'm heading into the third spring of job-hunting. I've got to where I fill out applications without any expectations now. If I can just get to that place with interviews, I'd have the emotional part of it licked, but I haven't had enough of them yet. It really is the hope that kills me. People say "Keep your chin up", but that's the worst thing of all -- the up and down roller coaster ride of thinking I really have a shot this time for one reason or another, then having those expectations dashed. I have to get to a place where I expect nothing, and don't care, and don't fall into fantasies of how great it would be to have my own classroom or a real paycheck. I have to get to a place where I don't expect anything to be different from what it is right now.